Oh So Fresh Magazine Oh So Full of Narcissism, Typos
In December, when we wrote about Harrison Schaen, Princeton '08 -- the shockingly-douchey- even-for-an-Ivy editor behind the forthcoming Oh So Fresh magazine -- the internets came down pretty hard on him.
Now the first issue of OSF is out, and we're wondering: Were we too hard on the guy? Too quick on the douche-trigger? Is it so wrong to be excited about launching a student pub? Concerned, we took Maureen O'Connor '08 up on her offer to take a look.
OSF issue No. 1 legitimizes any and all ridicule.
If the blogosphere publicly humiliated Schaen and partner Ash Sarhoia '08 before, it wasn't nearly hard enough. The premiere issue features 50 full-color pages in eye-bleeding white-to-orange-to-black fades. Grainy print quality suggests a wad of glossy paper shoved through a family office's color LaserJet printer. Each page features a massively well-known Princeton factoid running across the bottom: Princeton is the number one university in America! Oh So Fresh was founded in 2006! PSTN is the Princeton Student Television Network! As expected, inane cliches ("overwhelming ambiance [sic]," "ineffable allure") and third-grade-level spelling errors abound. The table of contents entices the reader to "Meat a Freshman."
But the greatest idiocy in OSF is the editors themselves, whose faces appear in the magazine's 50 pages no fewer than 25 times. Their most prominent literary contribution is a five-page "must read" guide on "How to Get a Girl," featuring a photo spread of the editors at a Playboy Mansion party (which means most of the pictures are actually of the boys getting cozy with wrinkly 80-year-old men in tuxedoes, not hot chicks). Directly facing the montage, a massive pull quote: "The less attention you draw to yourself, the more than girl will want to talk to you."
After a disturbing opener -- "I am not a doctor, but I have done a lot of boning, so you can choose to take my advice at your own discretion" -- Harrison and Ash reveal their best get-HPV-quick tricks:
- "Women are sensitive creatures, like whales. This is not to say that whales are giant bitches that cry all the time, it is just to say that both women and whales occasionally sink submarines. They are also sensitive like the endagered Giant Panda of China, in that sense that they can sense fear, see through our lies, hear what is being said about them from forty miles away, and they are masters of trapping their pray [sic] with bamboo and deceitful trickery."
- "In order to get the girl that you want, you must first rid your body of all fear of rejection and embarrassment ... by repeating your mantra, 'I see pride, I see power, I see a Badassmudda who don't take no crap from nobody,' you will recognize that you are all that is man and you are ready to mingle."
- "[U]se Old Spice Fresh Body Wash, and Infusium 23 Shampoo/Conditioner for your hair."
- "If you can smell yourself, other people can smell you. Wash yourself daily."
Unrelated:
- "Resident DJ" Dave Lambourn '08 explains "Why I Love Bass": "It [bass] gives me that funny feeling in my stomach. It makes me feel strong and satisfied with what I am listenting [sic] to. Bass completes any song. Bass is the heart and soul of music, and that is why I love it."
- "Top Places To Go This Spring Break" explains best how to enjoy Miami: "Stroll down South Beach in your thoia-thoia thong. Hit up Pasha, and check out any club along the strip, should be ballerrr!"
Pics after the jump.
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March 5th, 2007 at 6:41 pm
She didn’t mention that the issue no. 1 (of 1, surely) had a glowing feature on the campus band “Prospect 11,” of which OSF editor Ash Sarhoia is a member. Conflict of interest, anyone?
Oh, right. The ethics of journalism don’t apply to OSF, because it isn’t journalism.
March 5th, 2007 at 7:11 pm
hilarious! eager readers demand more!
March 5th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
How do people like these two get admitted? I’m ashamed to go the same school. The admission office screwed up royally this time. And FYI – Prospect 11 is AWFUL.
Loved it, keep it coming!
March 5th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
the “i may not be a doctor” line is a verbatim quote from the classic film
“the ladies man,” starring tim meadows. clearly thats the only lesson they learned from leon phelps and his massive mojo though, cause these guys have nothing going for them, even ironically…
March 5th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
also, the diaper full of indian food is from anchorman. there’s more recycling going on here than… can’t come up with anything in a funny, family-guy vein, so i’ll stop there.
March 5th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
one more thing: apparently OSF had a lavish release party Saturday night on campus that turned out to be a bomb of EPIC proportions. single-digit attendance numbers, people. i’d love to hear a first-hand report if anyone was there…
March 5th, 2007 at 11:05 pm
This is like Tyra Show bad.
March 5th, 2007 at 11:44 pm
I crashed the “party” for a few minutes with some friends, and it was embarassingly empty. Besides the DJ, there were a few people sitting in the corner, and that was all. Even Prospect 11 was nowhere in sight. I’d have expected them to round up some groupies to flesh out their audience, at the very least.
March 6th, 2007 at 12:21 am
If you look closely at the “Editors” spread, it looks like they actually misspelled the name of one of the editors. The caption spells it “Sarhoia,” while the article (cut off, but you can still tell) spells it “Saro…”.
Good grief.
March 6th, 2007 at 12:38 am
They also claimed that my eating club’s coatroom is a good place to bone. My eating club’s coatroom has a shitty tile floor and hooks all over the place. Moreover, it’s right next to a bathroom, so on party nights it reeks of puke. In short, it’s a terrible place to bone.
March 6th, 2007 at 2:28 am
Holy crap. Sounds like massive mortification indeed! I wish I have an issue on hand, if only to be able to witness the suckage.
March 6th, 2007 at 10:38 am
an08: as to how people like this get admitted…Schaen got recruited to play basketball (though he does not anymore). I don’t know about Sarhoia. Now instead of making Princeton look bad on the court, I guess Schaen has decided to just Princeton look bad, period.
March 6th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
“ANAPOLIS was filmed at Princeton University”
That says it all for me. I don’t hold bad spelling against people, but if you’re going to publish something at least look up words you’re unsure of. Apparently the girls these guys get all the time don’t have literacy as a requirement for a bedtime playmate.
March 6th, 2007 at 6:00 pm
“I see pride, I see power, I see a Badassmudda who don’t take no crap from nobody” – Stolen from the movie Cool Runnings
March 6th, 2007 at 8:11 pm
Oh, my poor Old Nassau. Last week, we hear from an ass clown at Ivy Club (he of the “stellar objectivity” of bicker letter to the New York Observer.) This week, it’s these cultural illiterates / actual illiterates. I’m rooting for Yale at the next football game.
March 6th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
I’m not a big fan of the magazine, either. In their defense, though, they were clearly not trying to pass off those movie lines as their own. They were making allusions. However, whereas most authors make allusions to the great texts of the ages, they opted to allude to movies like Cool Runnings.
March 7th, 2007 at 10:21 am
what a stellar article! i hope ms. mofo continues to skewer more misbegotten fools on her rapier sharp wit!
March 7th, 2007 at 9:38 pm
Say what you want about the editors’ intelligence, but at least Schaen was smart enough to ditch the basketball team before things got really ugly. Seriously, did anyone else see that game last night?!?
March 9th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
These guys sound like huge smegma souffles.
November 25th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
It’s disabled to be forgot! It’s aggregate to be muttered! Lost policy is some depressed university. Hmm, one necessary control despicably hung within a radical figure. A age is maternally content. One tough poker room spluttered without the promising name.
betting round – http://www.live7cardstud.com/more-7-card-stud-rules.html
August 4th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
I just wanted to say….. keep your heads up and smoke a stick of Haze when things stress ya out yaaaa dig!!