To hear the New York Daily News tell it, Columbia students barely have time to go to lecture, what with all the naked parties, library sex, and classroom demonstrations of cat-o’-nine-tails sadomasochism going down at every turn. A breathless and alternately outraged/pervy Douglas Feiden tells every sordid detail of the “X-rated” “playpen for sexual hijinks” that is “Columbia Gone Wild” — the anal sex broadcast on campus TV, the workshop for “kicking and trampling” sex … it’s Sodom and Gomorrah U!

It’s in the Daily News, so it’s gotta be true. But just to make sure, we polled some friends in Morningside: How often do Columbia kids get laid?

• “once every six months. columbia is a rough world for single people.”
• “the average in the engineering school is probably like once a semester“
• “i would say within the first week of a new class, then consistently for 3 weeks, then it would get ugly“
• “either I missed out or everyone else in college isn’t having sex at all.”
• “i can’t make a funny comment about it at the moment…i’m too tired. watching 5 episodes of veronica mars in a row has exhausted me“
• “I’ve kind of got a girl right now, but we’re both too busy to actually have sex. I think a lot of people are in my boat, and they deal with it by commoditizing and scheduling time for sexual pleasure as they would a meeting with their adviser”
• “Random hook-ups do happen, but it is probably rare for most students. At night people just go back to their rooms and finish their homework or maybe heat up a hot pocket“ 

Oh. Well then. As for the truthiness of the rest of Feiden’s story, maybe one of our ex-girlfriends put it best. “i can honestly say that neither me nor anyone i know has ever participated in S and M at this school,” she IMed. “unless you count having sex in a twin XL bed as pain.”