After last week’s plea for Cornell-related news — anything whatsoever — yielded so-so results, we decided to check the place out for ourselves. Our findings, below …
ITHACA, N.Y. — We managed to finagle tickets to this weekend’s epic Cornell-Harvard hockey Game — Harvard-Yale football, your uppercase G is now officially revoked. Consult the reliable sources to find out what happened on the ice. But the night’s best performances took place in the stands.
Cornell won, but not because they outplayed Harvard (at least not exclusively). We credit Cornell’s cruel, incessant, devastatingly well-choreographed taunts, custom-made to tweak Harvard’s collective nipple over and over until it’s raw and bleeding before yanking its underwear up over its head and kicking it down the stairs.
In Cornell’s hands, heckling becomes a mass art form. You can’t understand school spirit until you’ve seen thousands of students wag their fingers in unison at the opposing goalie after Cornell scores a point, chanting, “It’s all your fault! It’s all your fault!” Then, just as the goalie is about to return to his defensive stance, the crowd destroys his last shred of dignity by exhorting him, in unison, to bend over. And he does.
Other cheers we respect:
- “We’re gonna beat the hell out of you!”
- “Fuck em up, fuck em up, go Cornell!”
- “The ref beats his wife! The ref beats his wife!”
- One rowdy, pre-pubescent Harvard weenie: “Hey Cornell, eat my shorts!”