BREAKING: Brown Kidnappers Issue List of Demands

by Nick Summers | October 23, 2006 at 11:45 pm

BREAKING: Brown Kidnappers Issue List of Demands
BREAKING NEWS ALERT: At 11:25 p.m. IvyGate received a communique from a person or persons claiming to be Josiah Stinkney Carberry, the reknowned Brown professor of psychoceramics, and evidently the mastermind behind the kidnapping of the Penn Quaker. As proof of life, Prof. Carberry submits the above photo (click to enlarge) of the Quaker with a recent edition of the Brown Daily Herald, followed by a list of demands. The dispatch, in full:

Drum Major [Brian] Phillips ['07],

To indicate that you are willing to negotiate for the life of your beloved
Quaker, the Penn Band must play the Brown fight song during the fourth
quarter of the Penn vs. Brown football game this Saturday. And Cheeseman
must wear brown socks. We will have a representative present to observe.

Should you choose to ignore this request, the Quaker will suffer.

Brown Division of Hostage Negotiations

We don’t know what the Penn marching band policy is re: negotiating with terrorists. But Phillips, my God, man, look what they’re capable of. We urge you to comply, or better yet, retaliate:

UPDATE: This is too funny not to include. From a Deadspin commenter: “It puts the lotion on its foam…”

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7 Responses to “BREAKING: Brown Kidnappers Issue List of Demands”

  1. TrojanWire Says:
    October 24th, 2006 at 11:47 am

    Ivy League Mascot Wars: More Entertaining Than Ivy League Football

    This would be a lot more fun if it was Ivy Leaguer Aleksey Vayner, but for now the Penn Quaker will apparently have to do. BREAKING: Brown Kidnappers Issue List of Demands [IvyGate] We Have Ways Of Making Your…

  2. The Says:
    October 24th, 2006 at 8:13 pm

    I insist that the kidnappers “do a Lynndie” before returning the mascot. Or the dog gets it.

  3. Anonymous Says:
    October 24th, 2006 at 9:58 pm

    Upenn students are a bunch of sissies.

  4. Bear fan Says:
    October 24th, 2006 at 9:59 pm

    Upenn students are not creative enough to retaliate.

  5. Bear fan Says:
    October 24th, 2006 at 10:00 pm

    Upenn students are not creative enough to retaliate.

  6. Anonymous Says:
    October 26th, 2006 at 1:09 am

    Us Penn students don’t give two shits about this…

  7. Anonymous Says:
    October 28th, 2006 at 7:31 pm

    Oooh… Brown managed to take our mascot, proving they’re capable of putting the bong down for long enough to do something worthwhile and almost funny with their time. Nice job guys, nice. Oh and props to your president. Seems like a nice guy. Cheers