Alright, We’re Just Gonna Say It: He’s the New Kaavya

Alright, We're Just Gonna Say It: He's the New Kaavya
Can someone please get this man a sitcom?

Clearly, Aleksey Vayner deserves it. In the four days since we (cough exclusively! cough) posted the video the Yale senior commissioned of himself and attached to some i-banking applications, dozens of people have shared their Aleksey stories with us. And more often than not, they’re stories he told them — which is why we don’t feel bad about all the attention we’re heaping on this fabulist. (Fake business, fake charity, fake book — sympathy kinda evaporates, don’t it?)

All day long, the tips kept getting better. We can only share a few here — but we suspect this spring will never run dry.

  • The writing sample Aleksey attached to his i-bank applications appears to be at least partially plagiarized from this source (which, weirdly, he quotes earlier in the piece). Search on “hidden beta exposure” in both articles.
  • A member of the Yale tennis team wrote in to dispute Aleksey’s claim that he competed on the Satellite tour: “I played for Yale tennis, and he tried to walk on the team. He got cut the second day. I had one conversation with him, and he claimed to have KILLED 24 people in the caves of Tibet.”

    (Other great comments: “I too played for Yale tennis, and Vayner/Garber claimed that he has trouble flying on planes because he has to register his hands as lethal weapons each time he goes to an airport.”  And: “The giveaway on the investment firm was that he said his firm specialized in “risk-aDverse” strategies. The other giveaway was that he’s fucking crazy.”)

  • We decided to not be too scared of the cease and desist letter Aleksey emailed us, given that he copied and pasted it from the first Google hit for “cease and desist letter,” right down to the “very truly yours” signoff. Attorney Ron706@aol.com, Esq., really earned his fee there.
  • At Yale, Aleksey has offered to treat sports injuries using various “Eastern” therapy methods, including massage and acupuncture. Before “treating” a “patient,” he sent them this letter. You simply have to read it in full. Somewhere in there he claims that his brother is “head of pediatrics at Columbian Presbyterian hospital in NYC.” A search on the Columbia Presbyterian Physician Network turns up no one with the last name “Garber” or “Vayner.” But our favorite part is this line: “I am not certified in any Western sense of the word, neither in Chinese medicine, Tui-Na, Shaolin trauma medicine, nor in acupuncture, all of which I practice extensively never-the-less.”
  • And, um, not quite so humorously, the SEC and dean of Yale College have been notified of Aleksey’s transgressions.

God, what theater. You cannot make this shit up. Unless, y’know, you’re Aleksey.

Bonus: The Yale Daily News joins the fracas. Money line: “Among the claims [a dance teammate] said she has heard is one that Vayner is one of four people in the state of Connecticut qualified to handle nuclear waste.

  • steve

    Can anyone expand on the story about killing 20 people with his bare hands in a Tibetan cave? Must have been a slow day in his otherwise hectic schedule. Cheers Aleksis – I haven’t laughed like this for ages..

  • steve

    Can anyone expand on the story about killing 20 people with his bare hands in a Tibetan cave? Must have been a slow day in his otherwise hectic schedule. Cheers Aleksis – I haven’t laughed like this for ages..

  • Aleksy Vaynor

    YOU WILL ALL STOP MAKIN FUN OF ME!!!

    YOU WILL STOP OR I WILL BENCH PRESS YOU THROUGH THE ROOF!

    I WILL USE MY KUNG FOOY ON YOU…NO ONE CAN ESCAPE MY KUNG FOOY GRIP!!!

    I hate all you guys…i’m gonna get some black ops guys I met while in the CIA to put a hit on you like my other freinds I used to work with in the russian Mob do!

    I’m gonna kill you guys like I did all those Tibet guys!

    YEA!!!!

    And I’m gonna do it with

    A BIG FUCKIN YALE DIPLOMA IN MY HAND!!

    (and a book deal selling my sad story, and a lifetime movie of the month, a few Times on Sally, Montel and Oprah!! and I’m rich!!! laughing at the society that let this happen!)

    Please…please please please…drive me to kill myself…dont ever let this rest….dont let society make me rich pulling the shit I have done

  • Aleksy Vaynor

    YOU WILL ALL STOP MAKIN FUN OF ME!!!

    YOU WILL STOP OR I WILL BENCH PRESS YOU THROUGH THE ROOF!

    I WILL USE MY KUNG FOOY ON YOU…NO ONE CAN ESCAPE MY KUNG FOOY GRIP!!!

    I hate all you guys…i’m gonna get some black ops guys I met while in the CIA to put a hit on you like my other freinds I used to work with in the russian Mob do!

    I’m gonna kill you guys like I did all those Tibet guys!

    YEA!!!!

    And I’m gonna do it with

    A BIG FUCKIN YALE DIPLOMA IN MY HAND!!

    (and a book deal selling my sad story, and a lifetime movie of the month, a few Times on Sally, Montel and Oprah!! and I’m rich!!! laughing at the society that let this happen!)

    Please…please please please…drive me to kill myself…dont ever let this rest….dont let society make me rich pulling the shit I have done

  • anonymous

    He’s certainly qualified to handle radioactive waste, look at that piece of
    radioactive dog shit he calls a Resume.
    I wouldn’t touch that without Tongs.

  • anonymous

    He’s certainly qualified to handle radioactive waste, look at that piece of
    radioactive dog shit he calls a Resume.
    I wouldn’t touch that without Tongs.

  • Morgan

    seems like a classic case of acute schizophrenia – pretending to be someone one isn’t, pretending to have things or abilities one hasn’t. I knew such a guy once, he was normal one week and shot completely through the roof the other, simptoms very similar (imaginary friends, KGB hitmen, surges of strength and potency, dishing out tips of 200-300%, complete absence of real-world connection, making active steps to become EMEA CEO of the tobacco company he worked for as analyst, trying to borrow money from friends to purchase a new car) luckily the shrinks were able to help him in time. I just keep wondering how Mr. Vayner/Garber kept unnoticed and unhelped for so long… poor fella, his brain seems to be totally out of town

  • Morgan

    seems like a classic case of acute schizophrenia – pretending to be someone one isn’t, pretending to have things or abilities one hasn’t. I knew such a guy once, he was normal one week and shot completely through the roof the other, simptoms very similar (imaginary friends, KGB hitmen, surges of strength and potency, dishing out tips of 200-300%, complete absence of real-world connection, making active steps to become EMEA CEO of the tobacco company he worked for as analyst, trying to borrow money from friends to purchase a new car) luckily the shrinks were able to help him in time. I just keep wondering how Mr. Vayner/Garber kept unnoticed and unhelped for so long… poor fella, his brain seems to be totally out of town