You Can’t Take It With You, Unless You Do

by Nick Summers | September 26, 2006 at 11:22 am

You Can't Take It With You, Unless You DoGraduation can be jarring. One minute you're a senior -- respected, feared, laid. Then: poof, you're getting chewed out by a boss who doesn't give a rat's ass how many debate teams you captained or kegstand records you hold. Leaving college means you have to give it all up.

Unless, that is, you're Burt Helm, Yale '04.

We poured one out when Helm graduated, thinking we'd seen the last of his spectacular YDN column "Effin Sweet," which was mostly about him failing to impress girls. Fast forward to now, when we saw his byline in a recent issue of BusinessWeek. The guy hasn't changed one bit! We've jumbled up some passages and headlines from "Effin Sweet" and BusinessWeek (print edition and web). See if you can tell which is which:

1. When I'm in the soap aisle, like a lot of other guys, I'm running an equation in my head: Which brand will do the best job cleaning me, while not sounding completely girly? Soaps with names like Aveeno Positively Radiant, St. Ives Oatmeal & Shea Butter, or Pure Cashmere are unquestionably out of the running.

2. "One More Reason to Hate Preppy White Rappers -- and Smirnoff"

3. The people at KFC get pretty confused and unfriendly when you bring up the idea that you want to "exchange" 20 pieces of chicken. I actually had to negotiate a deal with them where they would make 16 pieces of extra crispy, but keep 4 of the regular.

4. "Enjoy a Corona With That Bloody Gore"

5.  "I am gay! Look at my jeans! Would a straight guy ever wear these jeans? They're ridiculous!" There is a point a guy reaches when the prospect of hooking-up seems so close, so tangible, he will do anything. 

(Answers: 1. BW; 2. BW; 3. YDN; 4. BW; 5. YDN.)

Cheers, Burt. May the wind always be at your back.

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4 Responses to “You Can’t Take It With You, Unless You Do”

  1. Eli Yale Says:
    September 26th, 2006 at 11:28 am

    Burt Helm wears bootleg jeans.

  2. fan Says:
    September 26th, 2006 at 12:22 pm

    how about a URL to the businessweek entry?

  3. merv Says:
    September 27th, 2006 at 12:58 pm

    is he going bald?

  4. Meredith Says:
    September 27th, 2006 at 6:46 pm

    Failing to impress girls–you don’t say!

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