What To Expect If You Get Punched:

• Your life will be ruined. Temporarily. Your relationship will end, you will be blackballed, your friendships and blocking group will be torn apart, and your internal discussion list will be printed in the Crimson. But losing everything is how you show commitment.
• Your schedule will be packed. Clubs hold three to four rounds, each marked by a punch event. They kick off in October, and elections fall on the Sunday before the Harvard-Yale game. Often 100-plus kids are invited to the first round, whereas clubs eventually elect 25 or so members. Some events come straight out of a tweedier version of Animal House: passing bottles of Goldschlager around schoolbuses; doing keg stands on the lawns of countryside estates; receiving lap dances after the second round.
• You will feel incredibly conflicted. Ha! Right. Sad as it is, there isn’t much ambivalence. Guys really, really want to get in. (Actually, if you want to feel conflicted, get this: Not one of the eight male clubs has complied with the 1990 Americans with Disabilities Act. Did you shake your head at the injustice of a disabled classmate being stuck in the Quad? Well, guess what: He won’t even get punched.)

What to expect if you are…

• Elected: Bliss. A job at the investment bank of your choice, a million dollars, a hot girlfriend, unlimited happiness, and endless social and professional success. Really, honest!
• Not elected: Your spirit will be crushed. Franklin Delano Roosevelt said that not getting into the Porcellian was the greatest disappointment of his life. And he had polio.

What’s The Truth About Punch Season?

• Truth A: Getting elected is mostly a function of being fun and friendly. If the members enjoy spending time with you, they will want to keep spending time with you by electing you. Who believes this? The elected; the naive.
• Truth B: Getting elected is exclusively a function of being rich and beautiful. If you buy drinks for the members at Daedalus, they will fly you to Montreal, London or New York the weekend before final dinner. You can only be elected if you went to a handful of boarding schools or Manhattan day schools. Who believes this? The non-elected; the realists.
• Truth C: Getting elected means perpetuating an outdated, elitist, exclusive and sexist system. They promote inequality and are a stain on Harvard’s otherwise enlightened campus. Who believes this? Progressives; WOOF.

Who Wins?

• About 15 percent of the male student body belongs to a final club…
• Thirty percent doesn’t even know about them…
• And 30 percent doesn’t really care.
• That leaves 25 percent feeling excluded, embittered, and thus compelled to buy into the tradition that they, like FDR, came so close to joining.

Part I: Warning: The Following is Rated H For Harvard
Part II: Meet the Players