The eight male final clubs dominate Harvard's social scene, each with its own quirks, stereotypes and rumored rituals. A quick rundown:

1. The Porcellian: Certainly the clubbiest and final-est of the final clubs, "the Porc" is also the oldest -- and more than a little upset that it's not 1850. A "Z-list" mecca, its dwindling membership is now limited to closeted rowers and purebred clotheshorses.
2. The Fly: One Park Avenue address in your family will suffice, but more Manhattan bona fides won't hurt. Flipped collar -- and no, it's not ironic -- preferable. Why are they so into I-banking when they have this much money already?
3. The AD: Lacrosse players abound, and freshman girls used to -- before the graduate board shut down their parties. It's a shame, because the house is just that beautiful. Punchees have to down a pitcher of beer at the first-round event.
4. The Delphic: Must be a member of soccer or baseball team, or have affinity for dirty, dark, crowded spaces. Otherwise, being heir to an I-banking powerhouse will do. Not a place to go if you are a girl who doesn't like getting touched by boys. Their tiny back-fence guest entrance does a fine job of keeping out unshapely guests.
5. The Owl: Rugby/football/hockey team membership and knowledge of 420 preferred. Ability to boot and rally a must. Like Uncle Lennie (wait, have we made this joke before?), kinda big and dumb, but harmless.
6. The Phoenix: Home of the large, the black, and the occasionally foreign, the PSK knows how to throw down. If their gratuitous shots make you throw up, they have a handful of empty bedrooms waiting just for you, baby, upstairs.
7. The Spee: Must have international passport and other Eurotrash documentation in order, plus access to nearby drug dealers. The most open of the clubs to guests. Jack and Bobby Kennedy belonged here, but alumni relations are so shoddy the Spee may not actually know they're dead yet.
8. The Fox: Mild obsession with interior decorating (their building is in a constant state of remodeling). Membership in at least one a cappella group helps.

Then there are two female final clubs:

1. The Bee: Wealthy, sporty and put together -- and now they have their own house! We think. They're renting from one of the male clubs, the concept of which is about as cool as leprosy at Harvard.
2. The Isis: The Bee's B-list. Still recovering from 2005 "Isis crisis," when the club's catty "punch book" was made public.

The supporting cast:

• The Hasty Pudding: Not to be confused with the pun-happy theatrical group. The Pudding is a special case: it's co-ed and punches members from every class. Most male members of the Pudding also belong to a final club, and the males elected as freshmen are leading contenders in the sophomore punch. (They'll likely be punched by five to eight clubs, whereas the average sophomore male might be punched by between one and three.)
• Other groups include the Seneca (similar to a female final club, only it doesn't punch), Sabliere, Pleiades, the Signet, and the frats and sororities.

Part I: Warning: The Following is Rated H For Harvard
Part III: Why You'll Hate Yourself in the Morning