U.S. NEWS BOMBSHELLS: THE AFTERMATH

by Nick Summers | August 19, 2006 at 9:05 am

<em>U.S. NEWS</em> BOMBSHELLS: THE AFTERMATHA stunned Ivy League wakes up, sheets soaked with sweat, to a shocking new world order...

GOLIATH SLAIN BY SLIGHTLY SMALLER GOLIATH: PRINCETON CLAWS TO NO. 1 SPOT AS SHATTERED HARVARD PICKS UP THE PIECES
PRES. TILGHMAN DRINKS SWEET VICTORY NECTAR FROM GOLDEN CHALICE; CRIMSON UNABLE TO COMPREHEND NEWS, WON'T UPDATE SITE

PENN PLUNGES THREE SPOTS TO NO. 7
ENTIRE ADMISSIONS STAFF RESIGNS, TAKES OWN LIFE IN HAIL OF SUICIDE-BY-COP GUNFIRE ON 34th ST

DUKE ASSAULT ON IVY LEAGUE FINALLY REPELLED
Blue Devils Blue at No. 8, Three Down; 'Harvard of the South' Now Just 'Of the South'

COLUMBIA CLINGS DESPERATELY TO NINTH PLACE FOR 65th CONSECUTIVE YEAR
'We Have Jeff Fucking Sachs!' Wail NY'ers as Bollinger Forced to Share Manhattan Mansion With Dartmouth Bumpkins

Cornell (No. 12), Brown (No. 15) Increasingly Irrelevant
Don't Deserve All-Caps Headline; Pres. Skorton, Simmons Receive Prank Rearview Mirrors in Mail

Yale Somehow Completely Forgotten Despite No. 3 World Rank

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5 Responses to “U.S. NEWS BOMBSHELLS: THE AFTERMATH”

  1. R!ck Says:
    August 19th, 2006 at 2:33 pm

    Damn, I didn’t realize there was this much hype surrounding the release of these rankings. But it’s entertaining, I guess.

  2. columbia07 Says:
    August 20th, 2006 at 1:20 pm

    the new assault is from chicago, whose president flew to DC to ask US News “what needed to be done” to move into the top 10…

  3. Anonymous Says:
    August 29th, 2006 at 10:02 am

    you do realize that the US News rankings are rigged? they change how they calculate them every year, so a school ranked # 1 using this years methodology may be ranked #3 using next years. That’s how Cornell jumped from #14 to #6 in one year, and how CAL Tech managed to be on top for one precarious year. US News has to change the methodology from year to year – if they didn’t the lists would stay basically the same and they wouldn’t have a reason to print a new issue every year and cheat neurotic high schoolers out of their money.

  4. Anonymous Says:
    August 29th, 2006 at 10:08 am

    you realize that the rankings are rigged? US News changes how they calculate the methodology from year to year, so a school ranked in the top spot this year may be in the fifth spot next year simply because how US News decided to calculate the top spot changed. they have to change the methodology from year to year – because schools really don’t change all that much from year to year and the lists would stay basically the same, not giving US News the opportunity to print a new issue every year and thus one less opportunity to rob neurotic high school students of their parents money. I suppose it’s fine considering the current state of journalism, but from a scientific point of view it’s stupid. Not to mention the fit issue – not every kid will do well at every school but kids pump themselves up to get into the “best” school possible, like it’s an actual standard; instead of finding the best school for them. And then blogs like this one pump up the ivy league status with their vitriol. It’s all ridiculous.

  5. Anonymous Says:
    October 12th, 2006 at 3:49 pm

    HILARIOUS!!