One of our goals at IvyGate is to dispel the misconception that the Ivy League is a monolithic group of assholes. In reality there are eight very specific kinds of assholes in our little club, and cataloguing their subtle variations will be our service to you. Just as, in the woods, you run from a Kodiak bear but stand still for a grizzly, knowing these species inside and out is key to surviving any Ivy-wide cocktail party.

Remember, they're as afraid of you as you are of working in the public sector.

Brown
Hippy, or anarchist, depending. The Ivy for slackers; no requirements, no shampoo. Dude, do you guys have any chips? Inexplicably high pop culture rating. Drinks: ethanol Kool-Aid. Darkest secret: Wasn't sure at first if Brown was an Ivy. Should have gone here: Otto the bus driver.

Columbia
Self-loathing hipster. Too many cigarettes to smoke, too much black to wear to care about anything. Did we mention we're In The City Of New York? (Also known as Yale's Waitlist.) Drinks: vodka soda; doesn't like it. Darkest secret: Hasn't gone below 108th St. in six weeks. Should have gone here: Courtney Love.

Cornell
Pesky tow-headed cousin character introduced late to the sitcom. Nouveau riche, and desperately wishing he could hide his hick ag-school accent. Drinks: Molson. Darkest secret: Actually obtaining an education. Should have gone here: Marge Gunderson.

Dartmouth
Has gone crazy talking to itself in the wilderness of Hanover. Old, tiny, and furious. White (ahem) hot, even. The Ivy League's hairy palm. Drinks: Gin. Darkest secret: Wonders what life would be like in sunny Evanston. Should have gone here: Christopher Hitchens.

Harvard
Preternaturally talented, good-looking, or wealthy--but never more than one of the three. Upon meeting you, displays initial status discomfort (will tell you she goes to school "in Boston") but slowly gives way to dependence. Drinks: Brandy, hates self for it. Darkest secret: Next stay at McLean's is free! Should have gone here: You, if only it wasn't for those 1200 loser nerd fucks.

Penn
Big, dumb and sweet, Penn just wanted to pet the pretty rabbits. Really good at finance, though! You know, like an idiot savant. Drinks: Beast, at Philadelphia's finest BYO restaurants. Darkest secret: Tic Tac testicles. Should have gone here: Gary Busey.

Princeton
Sports tweed jackets. Likes sports. Uses "sport" as every part of speech. Would hunt quail if he had the stamina to carry a gun. Drinks: Whiskey, neat. Darkest secret: Kind of thinks it would be okay to let the Goldbergs join the country club. Should have gone here: Anyone with four names.

Yale
Life is an argument, and Yale will win it. Not as arrogant as Harvard (barely), not as pretentious as Princeton (barely), Elis are like Goldilocks's third bowl of oatmeal: white and bland. Also consider Patrick Bateman's "That whole Yale thing" definition: "A closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine." Drinks: $5 Red Stripes, but the atmosphere at Toad's is totally worth it, don't you think? Darkest secret: Crimson really is a nice shade, isn't it? Should have gone here: Tucker Carlson.