If we have learned one thing from market meltdowns, it's that Wall Street is utterly glutted with the Ivy League's overeducated ilk, from top to (curvaceous) bottom and everywhere in between. Now, another wrinkle: An Ivy League university's funds, temporarily frozen and cruising for annihilation at the hands of financiers educated at that same institution.

We are talking, of course, about Penn. According to the DP, Penn keeps a small portion of its coffer at Commonfund Treasury, a $9.3-billion operation specializing in the management of educational cash, helmed by a handful Princeton, Yale, and Wharton grads. Wachovia (a Commonfund trustee), announced today the coming termination of all short-term Commonfund accounts. Something about liquidity and distributing assets? Foreseeing the pandemonium this announcement would cause, Wachovia helpfully froze affected accounts to prevent the First Horse of the Finance Apocalypse: A Bank Run.

Luckily, the entirety of Penn's frozen funds is a measly $100K, which means all they have to do is, like, cash two undergrad tuition checks, and they'll be back in the black. (Although perhaps with a shittier credit rating.)

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When my intrepid co-editor and I set out to cover the New Yorker Dance Party at the Hiro Ballroom, we weren't sure what to expect. Young literati getting drunk? Old literati getting drunk? Some dancing? As it turned out, it was all of these things. And by all of these things, I mean it was mostly professionals in their late 20s to early 30s talking and grinding. There was also a German and a few people from Utah. See if you can spot the German.

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• Brown: The guy who started Nerve.com went to Brown. Now you know.
• Columbia: Girl writes about brother attending Naval Academy. (Story is way old. I am shamed).
• Cornell: Conservatives strike blow for freedom with grant money.
• Penn: Wachovia freezes $100k of Penn's money.
• Princeton: Drinking and rape more popular than ever.
• Harvard: 12 "Harvard-affiliated individuals" on Esquire's "75 Most Influential" list.
• Dartmouth: Unlike yahoos at Princeton, Dartmouth kids drinking less, committing fewer crimes.
• Yale: Clinton comes marching home again.

Before Princeton decimated Columbia's tiny, optimistic dream of actually celebrating after their homecoming game, IvyGate ventured forth to the tailgate with a camera in tow to capture the hope on everyone's faces and the light beers (two ID's required to drink!) in some people's hands.  As to actual homecoming coverage, eh, we'll leave that to the Bwog.  (In case you care, 27-24 Princeton.)

More photos, including Princetonians in doofy boater hats and hot girls in track bottoms, after the jump:

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This is how the world used to be for us ladies:  If you went to Health Services, no matter your complaint, you were invariably given a pregnancy test.  Of course, what with the recent update at Brown’s Health Services, a friendly visit might go a little more like this: Here is a pregnancy test, we hope that sex was worth it.  Now, would you like us to help you achieve orgasm next time?

That’s right, according to an article in the Brown Daily Herald, it seems that Brown’s Health Services have undertaken a new cause: Ladies Must Finally Achieve Orgasm (LMFAO) --and no, it's not really called this.  We're just messin' with you.  You can thank all the girls who actually went to health services because they couldn’t come for this.

More to moan about, after the jump:

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For the first few weeks of this academic year, Dartmouth cartoonists were silent. Perhaps it was a respectful acknowledgement that some of their finest talent (Haley Kennedy) had graduated and passed on to places beyond Hanover, NH. Or maybe their classes just started… whatever. Regardless, they’ve burst out the gate with the unbridled fury of a thousand racehorses. Anyway, in addition to some good Dartmouth shizz, we’ve got some more stuff and nonsense from Yale's own Dave Muenzer and Columbia's Michael Molina, who it turns out is actually hilarious.  Also, props to Joe Hill (Princeton '09), who collaborated on this week's post. All this and more, after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Apparently a diamond really is forever, because we all tried our hardest (or at least I did) to forget about Matt DiPasquale (Harvard ’09), his flaccid dong, and most of all his porno mag "Diamond," but it just isn’t going away.  The Harvard Voice recently published a series of candid interviews with DiPasquale and his never-actually-topless-vixen Fiona.

It turns out that DiPasquale had originally gazed toward the future of Harvard porn and imagined his baby to be bigger, grander, and…featuring a nekkid Teaching Fellow.

Choice quotes from the interviews, after the jump.

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Amid all the hoopla about the vice presidential debate, you may have noticed that the Dow tanked again yesterday. Wait, you didn't notice? You were too busy picturing Sarah Palin running naked through the Alaskan wilderness? Well, the Dow dropped around 350 points--in other words, we're back to Monday. Things are looking bleak. But believe it or not, not everyone on Wall Street is going to be fired. Ron, a pseudonymous Ivy grad working at Citibank as an analyst explains why he's confident:

No stop it. I'm not the least bit afraid. They would never replace a citi banker with one from WB (Wachovia Bank). Today, during interviews, when they rejected a kid, they joked that he was "a BofA kind of guy." And BofA (Bank of America) is better than WB.

The class of 09' is done. They can kiss their banking/trading careers goodbye. Let's just say [unnamed bulge bracket i-bank] analyst class this yr was around 70 kids. In 07, it was around 130 kids. This yr (09') I predict around 30-40 kids at most.

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I know what you're thinking: "IvyGate book club? That's a great idea! I've always wanted to read book reviews written by IvyGate editors." Well, now you can. In what might be a recurring feature, IvyGate will review books by authors with Ivy ties. But that's not all. Ivygate wants you (yes, you!) to discuss the merits of the selected book in the comments. It's like we're all talking about this book together, in some type of....book club.

First up is "Free-Range Chickens" by Simon Rich. I first heard of Simon Rich when a girl I was hooking up with sent me a link to one of his New Yorker "Shouts and Murmurs" pieces. I was really impressed, and told her so. She said, "Yeah, I can't believe someone our age is writing humor pieces for The New Yorker." I agreed this was unusual. "I'm sure the fact that his father is Frank Rich helped him get published," she said. I wasn't sure who Frank Rich was but pretended I knew about him.

One and a half years later, I'm a reader of Frank Rich's New York Times columns and have been keeping up with his son's stories and sketches. In this same time, Simon, Harvard '07, went from being the editor of the Harvard Lampoon to writing a commercially successful, critically popular collection of humor stories, Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations. He's also a staff writer at "Saturday Night Live."

Did being Frank Rich's son help him get to this ridiculously enviable position? Yeah. Definitely. For sure. Is Simon talented in his own right? Yeah, he's talented in his own right.

There aren't many writers that cause me to laugh out loud. This is perhaps a function of my not reading enough. That being said, Simon Rich joins a short list of those who can get me to smile and even chuckle on the subway.

After the jump, I review "Free-Range Chickens."

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• Princeton: "I Could Be McCain's Econ 101 Teacher"
• Princeton: COMBO shows that many Princeton students aren't sure whether their families were rich or poor, methinks their personal statements revealed otherwise
  
• Dartmouth: The most depressing Career Fair ever
• Harvard:  Blindly follows Columbia down the "now that Obama mentions it" ROTC policy reform path
• Harvard:  Frosh get famous on the internet, nothing to do with anything, they're not really famous, guys, they're just running for UC
• Yale: Yale "might have climaxed when it comes to your sexual health"