Yale videos have long been a hit or miss affair… Elis love to film themselves doing silly things for all sorts of reasons: self-promotion, raising money, cute boyz, etc. But usually, it’s been an undergrad thing. Enter “You, Your Safety, and You,” straight from the Yale higher-ups.

Much as “That’s Why I Chose Yale” reimagined the dull admissions video as a broadway musical — or as Kurt Schneider reimagined Yale as the Disney Channel — Thom Stylinski, media producer for the Yale Broadcast and Media Center, has completely reinvented the campus safety vid, with irony and the 80s aesthetic taking center stage. His heart’s definitely in the right place:

I saw this as an opportunity to make the opposite of ‘That’s Why I Chose Yale.” I felt the need to respond to that video.

The safety video is a satirical classic, replete with campy in-jokes, awkward transitions, and an angry old man yelling at freshmen. Also, if you follow its advice, you might not get knifed in New Haven! Maybe!

With Congressional midterms upon us, there are a couple of Congressional “outsider” candidates who have received degrees from the Ivy League. Sure we know their personas today, but were these politicians any different back in the day?

1. Joe Miller: Republican, Alaska 

Miller today:

• Sarah Palin and the Tea Party Express have endorsed him.
• According to Slate,

Miller even has the right look: With a long, lean face, and stubble closer to 10 o’clock than 5, he could almost pass for Chuck Norris.

• Miller tweeted this, and he later apologized:

 Back at Yale:

• According to the Alaska Dispatch,

As Joe Miller tells it, a conservative like him in Yale Law School in the 1990s was a rare breed.

• However, he made friends through the Yale Law Federalist Society.

The society, a group of conservative and libertarian law students, was founded at Yale in 1982. Its mission is to preserve the “mainstays of our free government: federalism, the separation of powers, and judicial fidelity to the text of the Constitution.

 2. Richard Blumenthal- Democrat, Connecticut

Blumenthal today:

• Blumenthal stated,

“We have learned something important since the days that I served in Vietnam.

•  However, according to the New York Times, Blumenthal never served in Vietnam.

He obtained at least five military deferments from 1965 to 1970 and took repeated steps that enabled him to avoid going to war, according to records.

• As a result of this misstatement, Blumenthal made Chris Matthews yell. (However, after his Obama “thrills,” yelling at people is not too uncommon for this Hardball man.)

Back at Harvard and Yale Law School:

• First, the New York Times reported that Blumenthal lied about being on the Harvard Swim Team.
• However, the Hartford Courant reports that Blumenthal was on the swimming team.

There are photos that show the Connecticut U.S. Senate hopeful participating in a meet against Princeton. A caption from one of the photos reads, “Bob Padwayon the block, with teammate Dick Blumenthal waiting, in the 400-yard freestyle relay against Princeton.”

 3.      Ken Buck- Republican, Colorado

Buck today:

• Buck proclaimed, “I do not wear high heels.” Buck, instead, enjoys his cowboy boots.
• Buck has questioned the 14^th and 17^th amendment and believes Social Security is possibly unconstitutional. 
• Even though Buck receives most of his support from the Tea Party, he doesn’t mind reprimanding them. He reportedly said on television,

 Will you tell those dumb-asses at the Tea Party to stop asking questions about birth certificates while I’m on camera.

 Back at Princeton:

Buck played four years of football at Princeton, one year as a defensive back/punter/kicker and three years as a punter, earning All-Ivy League honors as a punter his senior year.

According to the Denver Post,

GOP Senate candidate Ken Buck knew Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan at Princeton University. His ex-wife, also a Princetonian, roomed with her.

Asked in a stump speech in Edwards this spring what he thought of President Obama’s Supreme Court pick to replace Justice John Paul Stevens, Buck said, with a smile: “She was smart, she hung out in the library and I didn’t.”

Even though Obama is no longer holding beer summits for a certain Ivy League professor, the Ivy League is brimming with professors who need to start saying, “Do what I say, and not what I do” in lecture once school convenes.  

This past August:  a Columbia grad is kicked out of Starbucks, a Harvard researcher is guilty of scientific misconduct, and an anniversary of a Cambridge-Harvard murder is upon us. 

 Screwed up academic calenders = professors require the month of August off in order order to get rid of the crazies come fall.

Exhibit A: Lynne Rosenthal an English professor at Mercy College, who claims to have received her PhD from Columbia, is not letting Starbucks grind her into submission with their fascist terms.

According to the Huffington Post, Rosenthal, a woman well into her 60s, was thrown out of a mid-town New York Starbucks for attempting to order a plain bagel.  Apparently, the “Barista” asked the professor, “Do you want butter of  or cheese?” Rosenthal refused to accept the premise of this silly question and thus became combative. After the use of some profanity, the police escorted Rosenthal out of the coffee chain. Apparently, she thought saying a “plain” bagel would do.

According to Rosenthal, Starbucks is the new master of newspeak. The professor told DNAinfo that Starbucks’ terminology is “Orwellian.” As evidence she referenced the terms: tall, grande, and venti.

 One can only hope that Rosenthal was planning this insurrection thirty years ago while watching CUMB avoid the very thing fascists love – marching, and now more recently Starbucks.

However, is Starbucks to blame for Rosenthal’s behavior or simply is she just ornery? According to ratemyproffesors.com, Rosenthal is condescending and rude to her students.  In addition, her overall rating is grand 1.2.  Maybe now her students can join with Starbucks to create an AstroTurf movement to overthrow this “worst teacher ever.”

Another whammy this August is news that Harvard “star” researcher Mark Hauser might have fabricated some data in a 2002 paper. 

 Dr. Hauser is a prominent expert in the comparison between animal and human mental processes. According to the New York Times, Dr. Hauser has been found guilty of eight counts of scientific misconduct.  Most of Hauser’s erroneous details were published in the scientific journal Cognition. According to the editor of Cognition, Hauser’s main error was fabricating the control condition of his experiment. Dr. Hauser in public statements has stated that he is “deeply sorry,” but has not admitted to any scientific misconduct.

Tsk, tsk, tsk… to all those 12 year-old kids out there who are fudging details and randomly creating data for their school’s science fair: be proud, an Ivy League professor holds himself to the same standards as you!

If you think these two examples are bad, just be lucky you did not go to Harvard in the mid-19^th century. 

We all know that Harvard is no stranger to murder, but apparently Cambridge and Harvard were center-stage to the “O.J” trial of the 19^th century.

 According to PBS, one hundred and sixty years ago to this day, Harvard chemistry professor Dr. John Webster was executed for the murder of Dr. George Parkman, an offshoot of a wealthy Boston family. What was the reason for MURDER? –  A state of being familiar to many of us in the 21^st century – debt.  Apparently, Webster and his wife liked to hob-nob with the Cambridge elite and were using loaned money to live outside their means. One of the people Webster was indebted to was Parkman.  On the day of his death, Parkman confronted Webster after many days of hounding the professor for repayment. 

 I guess this negotiation did not end amicably. 

After Cambridge searched for about a week for Parkman’s missing body, a janitor discovered dismembered limbs of Parkman hidden in Webster’s laboratory at the Medical College. 

Keep this in mind the next time your Chem lab smells funky…

The next time your professor snarls at you for dozing off during class or smacking too loudly on your contraband food, just simply ask them… what were you doing last summer?

Chiddy Bang announces at 1:17 that he’s “well endowed like Harvard and Yale.” Who knew you could make $42,138,886,000 in alternative hip hop? Wharton students take notice!

Remember when we introduced you to Princeton’s very own unsuccessful player?  Well now, mama’s little boy Will Harsh is under the impression that he owns athletic fields at Princeton. According to a tipster in the stands during the game, Will Harsh disrupted an intramural softball game for grad students (the Tokabats and Cache Hitters) because he believed that the rugby team was supposed to practice on the same field at that time. Harsh allegedly told everyone to get of “his” field so the rugby team could practice.  After the grad students asserted that they had properly scheduled the field for that time, Harsh threatens to call da po po on these hoes. As the players continued to play, Will reportedly called  public safety on the sidelines. 

Once the game rightfully resumed, Harsh allegedly started to kick softballs onto the field. In a tantrum similar to this minor league coach, Harsh continued interrupting the game by throwing the bases around. Apparently, Harsh even punted the first base. (The arc of the punted first base was so spectacular; the two teams were tempted to calculate the trajectory of this exquisite projectile motion. However, they resisted such desires and realize that this was a petty distraction.)

Pictures and video below were sent to us by our tipster:

Public safety did not express any concern over the misuse of Harsh’s precious field, and after minutes of negotiations, the grad students continued their game. 

Classy stuff, Whitman family. Nevertheless, Harsh should remember to behave himself so he doesn’t embarrass mommy again and ruin her plan to purchase the state of California cost her the election.

UPDATE, Will’s lack of affiliation: According to random rumors, KA, which deemed Griff worthy of admission, denied Will, a legacy student, because he was, quote “too much of an asshole.” This is coming from distinguished gentlemen who relish in this nationally. Funny, I would think his Alabama father and his inquisitive nature at the Black Arts Company performance at Cottage would have made him a sure thing with these guys.

Ouch. Will, do you need to ask mommy for Band-Aid to cover up these boo-boos?

As summer is ending, the only thing most of us can do is put our hands in empty pockets and gripe about our lives as slaves interns. While most of us were forced to supplicate to depths Odysseus  could never fathom for petty stipends for travel, one lucky d-bag is being compensated pretty well for what I am sure must be very “challenging” work.  Ladies and Gentleman, meet Brandon P. Watson, nephew of Chevron’s CEO John S. Watson. While sporting his gelled hair at parties in Atherton, Woodside, or Menlo Park, California with hopes to become the Posh Spice of Jersey Shore (he is the one on the far right), Brandon spends the daylight hours of his gap year making bank with his work for Meg Whitman, the Republican candidate for California governor. According to Brandon’s linked-in account, his official title is Staff Assistant. What are the perplexing responsibilities to the ambiguous title of staff assistant? 

According to this website… Staff Assistant Brandon Watson mans the reception area of the campaign headquarters of Republican gubernatorial Meg Whitman, located in Cupertiono, California.  Just for answering the phone, Brandon received $8,478.20 as his salary and travel compensation for a period of four months.  All the recent expenditures, that are available to the public, for Brandon are listed below:

Meg Whitman, as we have watched you ever so-conveniently bequeath $ 30 million to Princeton before your son  applied, secure a job for Griff through the help of your contributors, and now pay a kid with only a high-school diploma $2,750 a month, what can we possibly expect from you as governor if you are elected? I hope throwing money at anything and everyone is not part of your plan for job creation; even you cannot afford to spoil the 12.2% of unemployed Californians as you did this kid.

Two days ago the Holy Grail of college rankings was released – US News and World Report’s national university ranking list. With a few tweaks, such as more emphasis on graduation rates and high school counselor’s ratings (I hope they got counselors who did not write identical recommendation letters for each student; this happened to me), the list decided to shake things up.

1. Harvard- remained in the top position

2.  Princeton- dropped from its first-place tie

3. Yale- stuck in third

4. Columbia – the most fantastical change, jumped from 8th to here

5. Penn – kicked Caltech, MIT, and Stanford out of its foursome

9. Dartmouth- jumped up two spots

15. Brown- no longer beats Cornell, but is tied with Big Red

15. Cornell- can no longer be victor over another Ivy

The complete list can be seen here. Compare last year’s rankings here.

On Friday the 13^th, Harvard’s Managing Company filed its holdings for the 2nd quarter

(ended 6/30/10) to the SEC (Securities Exchange Commission), not to be confused with the Southeastern Conference of college football. A copy of the submitted 13F-HR form can be seen here.  When one compares its most recent filings to those reported on May 14, 2010 for the 1^st financial quarter, a trend emerges – the five companies below have been sold.

• 489,490 shares –  Pharmaceutical Industries Ltd. (Nasdaq: TEVA; TASE: TEVA), sold for $30.5 million
• 52,360 shares – NICE Systems Ltd. (Nasdaq: NICE; TASE: NICE), sold for $1.67 million
• 102,940 shares – Check Point Software Technologies Ltd. (Nasdaq: CHKP, sold for $3.6 million
• 32,400 shares  –  Cellcom Israel Ltd. (NYSE:CEL; TASE:CEL) for $1.1 million
• 80,000 shares – Partner Communications Ltd. (Nasdaq: PTNR; TASE: PTNR), sold for $1.8 million.

 Why is this important?  Find out after the jump…
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General Stanley McChrystal, the former commander of International Security Assistance Forces in Afganistan who resigned following the publication of an article in Rolling Stone in which he and his aides were openly critical of senior Obama administration officials, will teach a graduate-level seminar in international relations at Yale’s Jackson Institute for Global Affairs next year and several spots will be reserved for undergraduates.

Any Yalies interested in writing for Rolling Stone? Here’s an idea: go to office hours and ask him what he thinks of Joe Biden – he’ll protest a bit at first, but just tell him it’s “off the record.”

As it would be more amusing to see McChrystal at Columbia’s Graduate School of Journalism (he would be an interesting pick for their “Covering Conflict” elective), we’re holding our breath for the former general to pull the elusive reverse-Franco.

Dorms fail at being entries into magical worlds, bastions of extra space, and creative fodder for this. However, mahogany wardrobes do.

The start of move-in days and orientations is quickly approaching:

Brown: August 28

Columbia: August 30

Cornell: August 20

Dartmouth: September 15  

Harvard: August 26

Penn: September 2

Princeton: September 11

Yale: August 23

Whether you are a clueless freshie or just a jaded scholar looking for new tips for your new prison cell dorm-sweet-dorm, this is the place for you!

Tips are available after the jump…

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