Remember that one time you hit 'reply all' and the entire Undergraduate Assembly found out you were going to be 10 minutes late because of an emergency GYN appointment? Um, me neither.

Picture the worst email gaffe you ever made, and magnify that times a thousand, because a Cornell Business School tech consultant just made the worst email error of all time. According to Guest of A Guest, tech consultant John accidentally passed on a ridiculously steamy email exchange with his mistress Lisa (who is also a Cornell Business School employee) to the entire freaking school. They're both married. They're both so, so screwed. And they're both, um, apparently fans of tickling and tasting each other's naughty bits.

you bring me right to the edge of release, over and over and over again, yet each time I’m denied, and fiendishly tickled even more???

Pictures of these two fiendish ticklers, and the best bits of their email exchange, after the jump:

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[Knock, knock.]

Jesus! Dude! You scared the shit out of me. Come on in, though. I JUST packed a prime-ass bowl, you want in? I eviscerated the shit out of my semiotics exam, and this is due me. Big time. Seriously dude, just push that Heroic Portrait Statuary and Are Women Human? stuff off that chair and pull 'er up. Oh, and can you put that towel back? Yeah, wedge it under there. Thanks. Do you want half a pizza bagel?

Christ, I regret this R.A. gig more every day. I mean, no offense! You're OK. It just never ends, all you guys streaming in here for advice... "How do I get out of my exam?" "Should I major in linguistics?" "It burns, what do I do, it's like peeing sriracha!" It's like, solve your own damn problems!

BUT I guess it's a classic prisoner's dilemma, am I right? They don't exactly give you a discount on tuition once you hit year five, so I gotta keep you guys nice and fluffed to get that free housing. So go ahead, man, lay it on me.

What? That's your question? Are you fucking-- am I being punked? Are you punking me right now?! "I want to join the aikido team, but I'm worried about how much they're going to haze me"? Relax, friendo. Nobody hazes for shit anymore, they're all way too paranoid about the video winding up on Dateline. And besides, we all grew up in schools that banned tag, and forbade teachers from grading in red pen. We are far too sheltered and boring to inflict even halfway decent hazing. Aikido away, wussy grasshopper. (But I guess the first couple of times you hang out with those guys, it wouldn't hurt to eat a big foundation of pre-boozefest food like bacon cheeseburgers and fries.)

Now scram! I've had it! No more barging into my room! From now on, if anyone can't figure their own life out for their own damn overeducated self, they're going to have to email me at asktheivygateRA@ivygateblog.com. And they better include some clever-ass sign-off names like they do in advice columns, so I can protect the shit out of their anonymity. And they'd BETTER write! Otherwise I might probably make up the letters the first time around until enough people notice and send in real ones! I bet the topics range from all types of shit, from classes to sex to keg etiquette. (The gentleman pumps, the lady dispenses.) Wait, did they ever have an advice column in the Degrassi Grapevine? If you need me I'll be at SurfTheChannel...

Fire away!

--the IvyGate R.A.

A couple of days ago, a drunk Harvard Law grad Brian Schroeder burned down a chapel containing the remains of and memorials to unidentified 9/11 victims. Schroeder turned himself into police soon thereafter and posted the $3,000 bail Sunday night.

The remains managed to make it out unscathed thanks to some badass, apparently fireproof chambers made to protect the DNA that might one day identify the victims. The wooden benches, cards, photos, flowers, and other painfully sweet memorials, however, did not have badass, fireproof containers. They were destroyed.

Of course, Schroeder's friends and family think he's a real stand-up guy and that the incident was somewhat out of character. According to his mother:

[Brian] doesn't really have any explanation or memory of what took place. Now, he's just trying to minimize the damage to his career and make amends. You know, take responsibility and move on.

Do go on, Mrs. Schroeder...

I'm appalled and my heart goes out to [the families who had built memorials to loved ones lost in the 9/11 attacks at the E. 30 St. chapel]. Because I know it's basically like a cemetery and a memorial that's so very important. I just cannot imagine, nor can he, why he would have done that.

Bingo. Why would you do that? Seriously, dude, burning down a cemetery/memorial is not a funny prank. This is a somewhat funny, Ivy League prank. But let's go on the record and just say stop trying, Ivy League-rs. Or you will lose your job and your six-figure salary. Like Brian did.

Oh, and it might help if you stopped wearing those Ed Hardy t-shirts. That shit is made of the devil's old underwear or something.

Susan Finkelstein, a 43-old University of Pennsylvania grad student, posted an ad on Craigslist offering sex for money. Well, not exactly money. World Series tickets. They're as good as money.

According to FoxSports, the ad read:

DESPERATE BLONDE NEEDS WS TIX (Philadelphia) Diehard Phillies fan--gorgeous tall buxom blonde-- in desperate need of two World Series Tickets. Price negotiable--- I'm the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!

Well, the ad is certainly suggestive. (Who doesn't have a "gorgeous tall buxom blonde" friend, of "the creative type," "help" them out every once in a while?) But an undercover officer who replied to the ad claims that after meeting Finkelstein at a bar and having a few beers, she offered to perform explicit sexual acts. He slapped the cuffs on her, threw her in his car, and, err, took her to the big house for some punishment.

So is this an innocent he-said-"Will you..."-she-said-"If you..." situation? The Daily Pennsylvanian can explain the defense with two quotes:

“She was willing to — if she could afford it — pay money or work some type of deal to get tickets, but we completely dispute and deny that there was an offer a trade of sex for tickets,” [Finkelstein's lawyer] told KYW.

“I didn’t do anything wrong, so I’m not embarrassed about my actions,” Finkelstein told the Associated Press.

After the jump, the full on explanation (in photos) of why this lady is awesome either way.

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Last week, Georgetown sophomore Charley Cooper made national news with a job listing for a personal assistant. He's 20-years old and apparently the whole college affair all too much for him to handle on his own.

According to Vox Populi, the Georgetown Voice's blog, the original as went something like this:

As my PA you will receive an email once a day by 9:00 am with a task list for that day and a time estimate for each task. Important tasks will be bolded on the list and must be done that day (even though everything on the list should theoretically be finished on a daily basis) …

PA example tasks -Organize closet -make bed -Drop off / pick up dry cleaning -Drop me off / pick me up from work -Do laundry -Fill up gas tank -bring car for servicing -schedule appointment for haircut -Pay parking tickets -manage electronic accounts -shopping and running errands -other random tasks.

Needless to say, Georgetown is not in the Ivy League. (And neither is Mr. Cooper.) But when a student does something so god-awful douchey that the Washington Post reports on it, something must be done.

Everyone's favorite Yale student, Aleksey "So Sexy" Veyner, might've done something like this. And Mike Kopko definitely started DormAid, a service that offered maid services to Harvard dorm rooms and pissed off pretty much the entire school. But Georgetown should know better, right?

After the jump, a couple of reasons why not.

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The Boston Herald reported Sunday that SIX lab workers in Harvard Medical School's New Research Building immediately fell ill after drinking out of the hallway coffee machine. Jokes hover around most offices that that shit tastes like poison, but this coffee actually contained the deadly poison sodium azide.

But wait, there's more:

One of the victims, contacted and their identity confirmed by the Herald, said they were told by the university not to speak about the incident. Privately, however, they said they do not feel it was an accident, though they could not say why someone would target that group.

THIS HAPPENED TWO MONTHS AGO. Not only did Harvard instruct the victims to keep the incident a secret, but both the Boston Police and Harvard Police are apparently holding off on investigating it until now.

The obvious Yale parallel after the jump.

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This week, Princeton got a lot less heteronormative—even if certain students still can’t pronounce “heteronormative”—with the introduction of a gender-neutral housing option.

Vice President for Campus Life Janet Dickerson has confirmed that, this spring, Princeton upperclass students may lottery in mixed gender groups for apartment-style suites in Spelman Hall. Gender-neutral, you say? Then where’s the news from Janet Genital-erson? (Rim shot for feminism!)

This initiative was conceived primarily for the benefit of LGBT students uncomfortable with traditional housing options. Meanwhile, campus religious fundamentalists are trying to decide whether they’re angrier that Princeton’s doing gays a favor, or that they’re letting heterosexuals have all the dirty premarital roommate sex they want.

Sophomore Emily Rutherford first broke the news on her Campus Progress blog Wednesday. The Daily Princetonian printed its own coverage on Thursday, with further details as to the program’s restrictions:

“[Undergraduate Life Committee chair Arthur Levy ‘10] said that at least half of the members of mixed-gender draw groups — like all Spelman draw groups — must be unaffiliated with an eating club.”

Hmm. Something tells us that the Princeton students most concerned with genderqueer-friendly housing won’t be those puking on the floor of T.I. this weekend.

After the jump, no more dick jokes—we promise.

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Dartmouth Seniors Tommy Shanahan and Matt Applegate celebrate the induction of new college President Dr. Jim Yong Kim the only way two white guys know how: with gangsta rap.

People who think the surreal but entertaining high school drama of bad teen movies end after "Pomp and Circumstance" stops playing obviously haven't been to Princeton. An anonymous source recently called out a group of freshman girls who have been referring to themselves as "The Tribe" around campus. Perhaps trying to fight the widespread notion that Princeton girls are the fugliest in comparison with the sexier Ivies by proclaiming themselves as the hottest girls at Princeton, Regina George and company appear to be taking full advantage of rush week and using their marketing prowess to gain entry into one of the exclusive sororities on campus (cross your fingers for Kappa!). Apparently, the girls not only seek exclusivity in social organizations, but also in choice of sexual partners, according to the source, who claims:

They have decided that they are so hot that they will only hook up with legacies and athletes.

Feign surprise at Princeton exclusivity after the jump.

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It's week 2 of the IvySports Roundup, and what a week it was. The IOC's choice for host of the 2016 Olympics made Brazil's president cry and real Americans happy. TV ratings for certain shows skyrocketed due to imagined nudity and sex with employees. And Ithaca was invaded by yet another rapidly-spreading infection, although this one was much more delicious.

Of course none of that has to do with Ivy League sports, so let's hurry up and get to the countdown. Here's the previous roundup if you want to know where the schools ranked last week. But if you read that, you're living in the past. Things are different now man, so get with the program. Start living in the now. After all, tomorrow is just your future yesterday.

1. Columbia

Holds (insanely huge) bragging rights (for decades to come) over: Princeton

Columbia football hasn't had a winning record in the Ivy League since Rocko's Modern Life was on TV. Princeton is only 3 years removed from winning the league title. And even though the two schools were picked to finish 5th and 6th in the Ancient Eight this year, not even the Mayans could have predicted the 38-0 scoreline the Lions laid on the Tigers--a level of destruction not seen outside of Roland Emmerich movies. (Coincidently 38-0 is the range your IQ needs to be in for you to enjoy a Roland Emmerich movie.) In the league opener for both schools, Columbia left New Jersey with their largest margin of victory since 1972 and their first in-league road shutout since 1961. Lions quarterback Millicent "The Magnificent" Olawale ran for a touchdown and threw for two more, while cornerback Jared Morine had a 51-yard pick six.

One might say that calling this game utter destruction is an exaggeration since the stats are actually very close and the game only got out of hand in the fourth quarter where the Lions scored three of their five touchdowns. And to that we say shut up Princeton Athletic Department's writeup of the game, because none of that matters. What's important is that Princeton, traditionally near the top of the Ivy League in almost all sports, was completely blown out by the "perennial pushover" Columbia Lions. It was a such a humiliating loss that in order for the Daily Princetonian to find a silver lining, they had to reach back to 1890--you know, before the forward pass was legal. This is the event that will bring Princeton and its fans down a peg for years to come. So remember fellow Ivy Leaguers, the next time the Princeton band shows up at your school for a game and starts acting like the dickweeds they are, just walk up and politely remind them about the day their beloved Tigers lost 38-0 to Columbia at home. There is no comeback.

The rest of the schools follow the jump. Read the rest of this entry »